spleen

what a great word, spleen. It conjures up the venting of one's spleen. I picture greenish yellow nasty things. When challenged; we first want to vent - it's not my fault, I didn't know, it's too hard. Getting mad is normal. Feeling anxious is normal, doing something about those two things is harder. I continue to face a mountain of change. I loved our trainer today, she talked about rock climbing, in rock climbing you have to head up the mountain, and sometimes after much effort and only a few feet gained, you are in the wrong place, and that is disheartening. You can swing off the mountain and wallow in self pity - no one knows how hard this is, I can't do it. Or you can look around and figure out what you need to do next, and then, just do it.
Nike was right. Just do it. Stop fighting it, stop wishing it were different. If you really do not want to do it, here's a crazy thought ...go do something else. Staying in a system you don't like and resist is not helpful to anyone, least of all you. Acknowledge what you are willing to commit, then, just do it. Or go home. But I think I just realized, hell ya, I am still in the game, I want to do it. I know I can do it, and I will do it. so there.

Getting there

I spent the day with some colleagues, let's just say, there was a lot of venting. I have been feeling OK about things lately, not great or fantastic, but OK. Not so much for my peers, there was a lot of stored up frustration shared, and hints of anger. It's a little weird to feel better about where you are, when that is based on someone else being in a worse place. I have loads of frustrations and at times I am angry, but I can't live in that place, and I guess I choose not to. I think it prevents us all from moving forward. I want to support my friend, I think some of the frustration is now contributing to problems that are frustrating... it becomes a vicious circle. You never know when life will offer insight, I need to apply this learning to my own situation. and for my friend, I will offer support, and appreciation, she is frustrated because she cares so much, and she is under appreciated. As is often the case, the problems get 90% of an organizations energy, and those who are performing don't get the support and encouragement that would ensure they continue to perform, we need to re focus on this

and there's more

too much sadness. I just feel so sad about how things are falling out for people I care about. I feel their pain. How do you come to the place where you know it's not working after starting out so well, maybe I have been lucky, I don't understand. I was thinking about something I heard someone say, the relationship takes work.... really? My relationships never feel like work, they feel like love, and joy and a desire to do something that will make someone else happy. How is that work? Wow, if it feels like work then I guess you are already in trouble.

wakefulness

last night I was wakeful, I just didn't feel sleepy, no way, no how. I read a book for about an hour, and went back to bed, still not sleepy. wanted to be sleepy in the worst way, but no go. once the bed heats up i cannot stay there, back up and onto the laptop for about another hour. still not feeling sleepy, but threat of morning made me return to bed. this time i fell asleep, agreeing that i would call in sick if i felt too sleepy tomorrow. funny huh? a state of wakefulness negotiated to sleep by an internal promise to play hooky from work. or maybe just a rebellious me giving work the virtual finger. this morning i am tired, but ok. and will go to work. but i think i need a day off to do nothing, i'm due. after that i will be sleepy when i am supposed to be.

stream of consciousness

when i woke up this morning i didn't know what time it was, what day it was, or even where i was. that is a scary feeling, for a moment until it starts to come back. usually a sign that i slept well and that is a good thing. i also love when i wake up and actually feel awake, versus groggy. this morning i wanted to go outside for a walk, right away. but instead i made coffee, went to the bathroom, jumped on laptop. but i am going for a walk, it is a beautiful morning. roxie will be happy.

brain fog

At the end of a day during which the fog only lifted at the end it is easy to feel overwhelmed. I know this will pass, I will work away on the edges of the pile of work before me and in a few days it will seem manageable again. I just want to be productive again, menopause sucks.

WTF

it's not polite to say, but. WTF are people thinking? and that is all I can say right now. WTF

crap and more crap WTF

there are days when I just step back and wonder.

WTF is up with people?

I approach each day with good faith, positive expectations and the it rolls on in

what others think is OK

I know that people make bad choices, but I begin to understand more why psychiatrists created a "borderline personality disorder" disorder

cuz folks are messed up, seriously, I repeat. WTF!!!

why oh why do people do what they do
is the world such a messed up place that this seems ok, or normal?

Am I supremely blessed ( a bit of an oxymoron for me) but a lack of shit in my life?

It would never, never, never, I repeat, never occur to me to cross certain lines.

but others do

I cannot judge, but I do stand amazed,

and left to deal with the wreckage

JFHC

those are some bad words, but it is what I say when what comes to my plate is just a little outside what I ever thought would happen

and so,

to all

a good night