what might be, may not be

Sometimes we focus on things that might be, we see potential, we are inspired, we hope. In this time of hope, of potential, we dream, we day dream and we envision ourselves in a different place, we are transported. In this place of hope, we are focused on the if...if my dream; if my hopes come true, everything will be better. But what do we do if it doesn't come true? How do we regain balance? I am ever an optimist, I perennially live in a place of hope, of expectation that my dream of the future, my vision, my belief will come to be. Some folks say this is what is most important... what we believe, we will create, it will be....we are a self fulfilling prophecy. We are told; this is the secret. But sometimes it doesn't, at least not in the way I envisioned, or believed, or hoped. So was it false hope, was I kidding myself; was it an elaborate escape from current reality? Whatever it was, when the bubble bursts, and it occasionally does, I am simply exactly who I am, and where I am. And the oddest thing happens. I feel better. That seems counter intuitive. But when the daydream rules, I am not grounded in now, I am living in a vision. And sometimes it's just that, a vision. A daydream. A fantasy. It can't happen, it won't happen. At least right now. (maybe later...being ever the polly anna)...I am sad, I don't like to give up on dreams. My visions are a big part of me, but I need to be where I am. Maybe the dream is different, maybe I lost my way, thinking about what could be instead of thinking about what is. Every lost vision is a learning about what a true vision is. I don't really know, but I do know that losing a dream has brought me back to my now, and it has made me better. Focusing in now, I found (rediscovered) my optimism, my enthusiasm, my vision. My fantasy distracted me for a while. If that dream had come true I would be in a different place, but I am not. I am here and I need to do the very best I can, right now, right here. and maybe that is what needed to happen. but I love the part of me that dreams, it lands me in places I never thought I would be, and it can still take me to places I need to go.

ends justify the means? I think not.

I am not feeling the love. I am not a fan of anger, but anger is simmering, stewing, bubbling over. I have come to understand I am a person who does not do well with deceit, do what you say, say what you do. I am saddened that the things are a means to an end, that bad decisions are compounded by blinders...if I don't look at it, if I look the other way, it is not there. yah right. A means to an end an end to a means. What about doing the right thing? What about making the decision that might be hard personally, that means admitting a mistake, but is best for everyone? Losing respect for someone I had respect for is a new learning for me, this part of my life is filled with this learning. I don't like it. I want to continue to believe, to hope. But, in this "evidence" based world, I have to acknowledge what I see, whether I like it, or ever thought it would happen. but I have to back up...I knew it was happening, but I believed we/I could stop it, I thought we agreed on that, we had a common vision. What happened to doing the right thing? I wrote the twice. It's a big theme for me, why oh why do so many choose other paths. My stomach is in a knot. My gut is clear, do not stay and be part of this, too much, too long, too wrong. This is not what I want to be, this is not where my gifts can be of best use. But I had/have still so much I can do, even within this construct that pains me. So many who trust, who depend. So much to love. When I leave, and I know I have to, will there be an echo? Not one related to me, but one related to other times, other values, different belief's. Does anyone remember, did anyone know? When I think about ethics, I think about whether I would want someone to know what I do, what I will do. Here, and now, we are on dangerous ground, the move to darker gray is not a good one. The ends do not justify the means. Give your head a shake. really. for me, it get's simpler every day. time to go. need to go, got to go. gone.