always trust your gut

Actions speak louder than words.  Words that felt hollow, were, actually hollow.  Sometimes we continue knowing we should leave.  It is so terribly sad that the words are not the actions.  I call bullshit.  Perhaps I should have, long ago.

less of this

It seems I have less to vent about, so that is probably good.  Perspective.  Age.  Wisdom?  Or just less likely to let that stuff get to me, or, maybe less likely to blog about it.  Still hate it when people lie, or deceive, and they do.  How can we work together when you feel like you have to lie, or misrepresent something.  Why do you do that?  Am I so hard and mean that you can't tell me?  Or are you so weak and self centred and emotional that you are willing to risk a lie to calm your other needs?  I think it is the later, but probably a little of both.  But I catch the lies, but do I catch all of them?  Probably not.  After all, rules are only helpful when they serve me, right?  I am the first to confront a stupid rule, but I do not just break them when I don't agree, I speak up, and say - "hey that is a stupid rule, we need to change that"... but others just break the rule and hope no one notices.  Except I do, and it bugs the hell out of me.  I think the rulebreaker doesn't have a good reason for why they don't like the rule, it just isn't working for them, at that moment.  no thought to next time, or someone else.  which is kinda why we make rules, and why we change them. 
oh well, enough of that.

frickety frackety

frickety frackety I am frustrated.  I thought something would happen, it seemed so likely, but it has not.  So, I lean back, patience, no worries, let it be, it will be...blah blah blah
still nothing, so I find myself saying the serenity prayer
grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the sic(freaking) wisdom to know the difference.
so maybe I just need to prepare for the potential positive outcome, expecting it to come, but that just isn't gelling... sheesh kabob

same old same old

it's like I have a large freaking button that certain circumstances/events seem to push, over and over again. sheesh, I say to myself, get over it already! but the button is pushed and the anger leaps up. then I have choices, choose your battles, I know this lesson. but anger pushes me to act, even when I know it will not help and likely won't change a gosh darn thing. So, what to do with the anger, the frustration....damned if I know. So I just blog about it, journaling of olden days... neuroplasticity, writing creates a pathway for anger, for this feeling, this event to move from short term memory,where it keeps looping and triggering biological responses, to long term memory, where I can reflect on it, consider how I felt and be calm. I really prefer calm, so I write. it is better sometimes than throwing a tantrum which is what I feel like doing... instead I will distract my wee brain with some word games on the internet, and then off to sleep, perchance to dream...

what might be, may not be

Sometimes we focus on things that might be, we see potential, we are inspired, we hope. In this time of hope, of potential, we dream, we day dream and we envision ourselves in a different place, we are transported. In this place of hope, we are focused on the if...if my dream; if my hopes come true, everything will be better. But what do we do if it doesn't come true? How do we regain balance? I am ever an optimist, I perennially live in a place of hope, of expectation that my dream of the future, my vision, my belief will come to be. Some folks say this is what is most important... what we believe, we will create, it will be....we are a self fulfilling prophecy. We are told; this is the secret. But sometimes it doesn't, at least not in the way I envisioned, or believed, or hoped. So was it false hope, was I kidding myself; was it an elaborate escape from current reality? Whatever it was, when the bubble bursts, and it occasionally does, I am simply exactly who I am, and where I am. And the oddest thing happens. I feel better. That seems counter intuitive. But when the daydream rules, I am not grounded in now, I am living in a vision. And sometimes it's just that, a vision. A daydream. A fantasy. It can't happen, it won't happen. At least right now. (maybe later...being ever the polly anna)...I am sad, I don't like to give up on dreams. My visions are a big part of me, but I need to be where I am. Maybe the dream is different, maybe I lost my way, thinking about what could be instead of thinking about what is. Every lost vision is a learning about what a true vision is. I don't really know, but I do know that losing a dream has brought me back to my now, and it has made me better. Focusing in now, I found (rediscovered) my optimism, my enthusiasm, my vision. My fantasy distracted me for a while. If that dream had come true I would be in a different place, but I am not. I am here and I need to do the very best I can, right now, right here. and maybe that is what needed to happen. but I love the part of me that dreams, it lands me in places I never thought I would be, and it can still take me to places I need to go.

ends justify the means? I think not.

I am not feeling the love. I am not a fan of anger, but anger is simmering, stewing, bubbling over. I have come to understand I am a person who does not do well with deceit, do what you say, say what you do. I am saddened that the things are a means to an end, that bad decisions are compounded by blinders...if I don't look at it, if I look the other way, it is not there. yah right. A means to an end an end to a means. What about doing the right thing? What about making the decision that might be hard personally, that means admitting a mistake, but is best for everyone? Losing respect for someone I had respect for is a new learning for me, this part of my life is filled with this learning. I don't like it. I want to continue to believe, to hope. But, in this "evidence" based world, I have to acknowledge what I see, whether I like it, or ever thought it would happen. but I have to back up...I knew it was happening, but I believed we/I could stop it, I thought we agreed on that, we had a common vision. What happened to doing the right thing? I wrote the twice. It's a big theme for me, why oh why do so many choose other paths. My stomach is in a knot. My gut is clear, do not stay and be part of this, too much, too long, too wrong. This is not what I want to be, this is not where my gifts can be of best use. But I had/have still so much I can do, even within this construct that pains me. So many who trust, who depend. So much to love. When I leave, and I know I have to, will there be an echo? Not one related to me, but one related to other times, other values, different belief's. Does anyone remember, did anyone know? When I think about ethics, I think about whether I would want someone to know what I do, what I will do. Here, and now, we are on dangerous ground, the move to darker gray is not a good one. The ends do not justify the means. Give your head a shake. really. for me, it get's simpler every day. time to go. need to go, got to go. gone.

happiness

It's been a while since I wrote a blog. I read the blogs of others often, and in doing so, wonder where I fit in the blogging universe. What do I have to share that another might relate to, might find value in? My blogs are most often personal reflections, learnings along my personal journey. About life. How the things that happen affect me, cause me to reflect, and reading back I see they are often about sadness. Long ago I took part in some training that included me writing out what my purpose was (is). That was hard for me, it took a while, but I eventually crystallized my career (life?) purpose to this: to help people be happy by providing information and resources. That was over 15 years ago. And I haven't changed, that is what drives me, that's what I believe, that's what's important. So many struggle and often suffer simply from a lack of knowledge, from some insight, an opportunity to see life differently. I can be a conduit to a better (happier) life. I'm not so sure that what I am doing every day is making any kind of contribution to my mission in life, and that is so sad. Back to the sadness. I need to get back to a place where what I do every day is in better alignment to my purpose. I still remember when I held the hands of someone who was struggling, she looked at me and said "I can feel your strength flowing into me". I responded "take what you need, I have lots". Sometimes a physical connection is more powerful than all the words in the world, it transmits hope and a belief that together we can do this. It is in the giving that I receive.