I am not feeling the love. I am not a fan of anger, but anger is simmering, stewing, bubbling over. I have come to understand I am a person who does not do well with deceit, do what you say, say what you do. I am saddened that the things are a means to an end, that bad decisions are compounded by blinders...if I don't look at it, if I look the other way, it is not there. yah right. A means to an end an end to a means. What about doing the right thing? What about making the decision that might be hard personally, that means admitting a mistake, but is best for everyone? Losing respect for someone I had respect for is a new learning for me, this part of my life is filled with this learning. I don't like it. I want to continue to believe, to hope. But, in this "evidence" based world, I have to acknowledge what I see, whether I like it, or ever thought it would happen. but I have to back up...I knew it was happening, but I believed we/I could stop it, I thought we agreed on that, we had a common vision. What happened to doing the right thing? I wrote the twice. It's a big theme for me, why oh why do so many choose other paths. My stomach is in a knot. My gut is clear, do not stay and be part of this, too much, too long, too wrong. This is not what I want to be, this is not where my gifts can be of best use. But I had/have still so much I can do, even within this construct that pains me. So many who trust, who depend. So much to love. When I leave, and I know I have to, will there be an echo? Not one related to me, but one related to other times, other values, different belief's. Does anyone remember, did anyone know? When I think about ethics, I think about whether I would want someone to know what I do, what I will do. Here, and now, we are on dangerous ground, the move to darker gray is not a good one. The ends do not justify the means. Give your head a shake. really. for me, it get's simpler every day. time to go. need to go, got to go. gone.
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